As We Go On.... We Remember....

I am graduating from College in 12 days. 

12 days.

A lot of people ask me if I am sad. 

A lot of people ask me if I am excited. 

I can tell you this. 

I arrived in Rexburg 962 days ago. 

I was literally shaking with anticipation

as I unlocked the door 

to my first apartment

at a University. 

I decided not to take a semester off.

Ever. 

I am completing a Bachelors program

in just under three years. 

I have experienced every season

plus seasons that I dont think 

even count as seasons. 

(6 weeks straight of -30 weather is just pure torture)

I have met some wonderful people. 

I have made friends

that are the friends 

that your parents have 

from college

that they still talk to. 

You call them aunt and uncle

even though there is no relation.  

Those are the kinds of friends I have made. 

I have fallen in love. 

The kind of love that I thought 

would lead to marriage. 

It didn't. 

It led to my first broken heart. 

I learned more than I ever thought. 

I passed classes that were harder 

than anything I've ever done. 

(History 325 with Dr. Peck) 

I have laughed a lot.

Cried a bit.

And experienced every range of emotion

worthy of an Oscar. 

I didn't find myself in college. 

I grew into the person

that I will be as a grown up. 

Am I excited to graduate?

Hell yes. 

Dreams

I am sad all the time. 

Whats even worse,

is that my ex-boyfriend

is haunting my dreams. 

I am not even able to find solace in sleep. 

We are back together in my dreams. 

But its not the same boyfriend I broke up with. 

Its him

but it isn't us. 

At least not the us at

 the end of our relationship.

It was us at the beginning. 

It was the us I fell in love with.

What I keep going over in my head,

both lucid

and dreaming

is how does someone fall out of love?

People always  compare falling in love

like falling off a cliff...

So is falling out of love

defying gravity? 

Are you climbing back up the cliff?

Did somewhere along the way

of falling in love,

did you land somewhere

and you realized it wasn't

with the person you were falling with?

Like those dreams

where you are falling

and you finally land. 

Maybe when you are falling in love

and its not the right person

we hit the ground before they do. 

Or we land in different places

Falling in love is a process

and when you land

there are no butterflies

or lust 

to keep the relationship going. 

So when you hit the ground,

if your not with the person,

if you dont have the same scars

and bruises, 

&

they are miles away from you,

you have to pick yourself up,

dust yourself off,

heal,

and find the next cliff. 

The problem I am having, 

is the cliff i jumped off with my ex,

Must have been higher for me.

I fell hard. 

And my scars are not healing well

and my bruises are still sore

and my heart is still broken. 

He doesn't seem to need any medical attention at all. 

I am broken hearted and lonely. 

But oh how the Lord works in wonderful and mysterious ways. 

Recently my heart broke.

I know I am not the first person to experience this,

nor the last. 

But it hurts. 

And lets leave it at that. 

It seems that when one bad thing happens,

a lot of bad things start happening. 

Like someone opened a gate, 

or a door,

or a box,

and one bad thing escaped,

and now more are getting out. 

And you try to close whatever has opened that let out all these terrible things,

but as the bad things come out

you get wounded 

so its harder to have the strength to close the dang thing 

that is housing these bad things. 

But here's what I've learned. 

Bad things happen. 

They are supposed to. 

Otherwise 

great things wouldn't be that great. 

Its what keeps balance in the Universe. 

BUT! 

and this is the exciting part. 

When bad things are pouring out of this contraption, 

and your trying to stop them from coming out,

but you get wounded and tired,

Angels come and help you try and close it. 

So, to all my Angels that have been surrounding me lately, 

both those who know me,
and those who have no idea what is going on...

Thank You. 

Isn't it ironic... Dont ya think?

What an interesting couple of weeks.

Phrases that have started coming out of my mouth that I cant stop...

"I'm ok."

"I'm just tired"

"I don't know"

What I find ironic, is that grown-ups 

always complain that 

kids think they know everything

about the world and themselves. 

What I find ironic, 

is that grown-ups 

dont know anything. 

At least I dont. 

Maybe kids do know everything,

because they haven't tasted the strongest emotion. 

They haven't experienced love.

So things are more cut and dry for them.

The world is round... 

Math is hard...

Recess is awesome... 

Throw in love,

and suddenly your not sure if the world is round.

Your not sure if math is really that hard, 

at least compared to telling someone goodbye when you really want to grab him..

Recess is no longer that awesome, when you have to see him.

There are things I know. 

I love teaching. 

I love reading. 

I love making people laugh. 

Things I don't know.

The answer to the question of 

"what do you want me to do?"

If my 6th graders are asking that

I can give them a straight answer. 

If a member of the opposite sex is asking me.

"I don't know." 

is usually what comes out of my mouth. 

Give me space. 

But I miss you. 

Let me think. 

Lets not overthink it. 

We should do whats best for both of us. 

We should do what feels right. 

I think Love is one big contradiction. 

And I cant figure it out. 

So I tell myself I'm ok being alone. 

But I'm lonely. 

The problem is. 

I'm lonely even when you're here. 

I tell myself I am better off. 

But I find myself thinking of you. 

I tell myself I can find someone who liked me as much as you did. 

But it took me this long to find you.. 

The soft touches,

the careless kisses,

the absent minded back rubs,

were taken for granted. 

They were a drug I have never tasted. 

And now I am going through withdrawals. 

Was I better off without ever tasting them? 

Or will I be more grateful next time?

Is it better to have loved and lost,

than to have never loved at all? 

Isn't it ironic? 

When It Rain, It Seems To Pour

Hello world

I realize I haven't blogged in ages

and I know you've missed me terribly. 

You will never guess what has happened to me. 

I met a boy. 

I know. 

Everyone contain your excitement. 

But in all seriousness. 

I did meet one. 

And here is the craziest part. 

He likes me!

Again, contain your excitement. 

So do you remember a couple blogs ago, 

I mentioned this dry spell I was going through. 

No one to even be flirting with! 

And now that there is a boy,

suddenly there are boys coming out of the woodwork 

just to talk to me!

I know this has happened to you.

You have no one.

Than all of the sudden 

you have someone

and then all of the sudden

you have everyone! 

Here is the craziest part.

for real this time

I know

somehow 

your ex 

always knows 

when there is 

someone else. 

You dont hear from him for ages. 

And then... 

out of the blue 

he talks to you... 

Right when you really dont want him to. 

The world is a crazy crazy place. 

<3

I'm cold

My creative juices always seem to be flowing when I need to be doing homework. 

Its funny how that always works out.

Its also funny that my creative juices are directly linked to my Diet Coke intake for the day. 

Idaho is a terrible place to live.

Was that too harsh? Should I lead into it?

Alright, 

it's not that bad. 

I mean I do love the 30 mile an hour wind

and not just that it's constant and never ending,

but that it's also about 10 degrees. 

Last night I went to the gym.

Things I've noticed about people at the gym...
They are all very very serious people.
No laughing or joking.
Now, those of you who know me,
or have read the title of my blog,
know that I like to laugh.

So instead of partaking of the seriousness of the gym,
I brought Ellen's new book,
got on the lazy mans bike,
set the setting on random for 30 minutes,
and laughed through my entire workout.

At one point,
I did notice that my legs were burning,
and that I was sweating.

But here's the thing,
I was laughing.

I feel its a much better way to work out. 

Especially because directly after leaving the gym,
I came home and heated up leftover cheese pizza.

I mean come on.
Who wants to argue with that. 

A Breath of Fresh Air

Once upon a time.... 

(yes, I am supposed to be doing homework)

In a villiage called...
Idaho Falls. 

There were three ladies,
out on the town. 

We decided to stop by the local shopping center
(fine, yes, we went to the mall)

Where we happened upon
the Verizon and TMobile store/kiosk

Two young lads
jumped on the opportunity to escort us
to the local bowling alley
(Where yes, I kicked butt)

Anyway... long story short.

Brooke got a date.

As in... a Boy, (Man) met Brooke (a beautiful girl)

gathered his courage

threw caution against the wind

put his pride in his backpocket

peed into the wind

(not really)

and asked Brooke out on a date. 

Now,

I wont give you the dirty details of the actual date that occured last night

but i will tell you they went ring shopping. 

not really. that would have been creepy

They did however,

have a fabulous time

where he opened all the right doors...

(metaphorically, and literally)

laughed,

cried,

and hugged out a grand evening. 

Is my faith in men around here restoring?

Is chivalry not dead?

Are boys turning into men?

(Boys II Men has a good point)

We shall see... 

For right now, 

however, 

we bask in the fact 

that there is at least one man out there 

that has the ability to ask a girl out,
take her out, 

and not be crazy. 

<3 Get it girl <3

(Also...
I may or may not have met someone..
I'm trying not to jinx it..
We may or may not have cuddled last night.
If your reading this,
I write a blog,
I forgot to mention that.)

The Dryest of Spells

Alright Ladies & Gentlemen

I am in quite the dry spell 

As in....

There are absolutely no boys in Idaho I am interested in.

Not one that I even remotely even have a crush on. 

I mean I dont even know of any boys right now that exist.

Are there boys still in this hell hole place called Idaho? 

I seem to attract boys that exhibit one or more of the following characteristics: 

1) Do not live in the state of Idaho

which a small yet ever present part of me thinks is a good sign

2) Are not Mormon

which is discouraging because I have a pretty palace called a temple I plan on getting married in, and a great ticket in is being a Mormon... 

3) Do not like commitment/just got out of a "very serious heart breaking I'm never dating again because I'm so scarred" relationship.

I feel for you, I really do... But get over it. We've all had to. 

Don't get me wrong. 

I actually enjoy being single. 

It has its perks. 

I can go get massages

I can watch Grey's Anatomy

I can eat a bowl of ice cream

My phone never goes off 

No one wants me to make them dinner

Seriously. 

Those who can't do... Teach

As many of you know,

I am currently a BYU-Idaho student,

and also

the 6th grade Art Teacher in town.

(I like to go by Queen Alex...)

It has been such a great opportunity

to be able to teach 6th graders,

learn about them,

interact with them,

and maybe possibly have an impact on their lives.

Part of my job is not only showing up every single day,

but also being in charge of the observers that are going to come in for a couple of weeks and learn how to teach 6th graders, and gain hands on experience.

One thing I've already noticed,

and this is something that I have struggled with,

is how to make something boring,

FUN.

Because let me tell you,

if its not fun,

the 6th graders won't do it.

And maybe you'll force them...

(I'm the teacher, you're the student, thats why)

...but they won't like it,

and therefore,

by proxy,

they won't like you.

So you have to take something like the Renaissance

(which, I'll have you know, I think is really fun and interesting, but I'm also a History Major)

and make 6th graders care about what happened 700 years ago.

Here is a great example of

someone taking something really boring,

using audience participation,

humor,

and personality,

and making it fun for everyone.

And just maybe, someone will remember what you taught them.

Burnt Scrambled Eggs

I attempted Scrambled eggs...

and then I failed.

& they burned.

This semester will be less busy,

and then maybe I can learn how to cook.

Ha.

Today at church

I walked out of the class and

there was a line of boys,

exciting right?

and one guy goes...

"Hellllllooo Ladies."

Did I act all charming and suave?

Did I quipp back with some witty remark?

Did I procure a date for my best friend Steve* and I?

No.

I laughed as I walked away down the hall.

I laughed.

Out loud.

Head Back.

Some people call it guffawing.

I guffawed.

Sixth Semester

Second Winter

First week.

No dates.

*code name... she is a girl. ;)