Homecoming... For GrownUps

Hello cybersphere... long time no see! When was the last time we met?

I should inform you that I am now a grown up.

Isn't it funny how you turn 18 and you move out (hopefully) and you feel like you are a grownup and you really feel like you are making decisions and living your life. But then you are on the precipice of turning 25 and all of the sudden you realllllly feel like you still don't have life figured out. I mean.... because we are talking in generics... but some people have life figured out.

Alright fine, I'm talking about myself.

I have a job. Like a career.. one of those things where you get paid without clocking in, and you have sick days and vacation days and co workers. A set lunch, that actually falls around when people should be eating lunch. Theres health insurance benefits and dental and vision. A 401K. Not even really sure what that last one is but I have it! I pay rent, and car insurance, and buy groceries and laundry detergent. I have clothes that I only wear to work.

And yet... I dont have a date to Homecoming.

Let me tell you though. Every single day I feel so at peace with my life. I mean, my love life is non exisistent, but I am also not worried about it. I can only have complete and utter unfathomable hope that someday I will have an existent love life. But right now there is nothing. No date to Homecoming...

I know it sounds like I am having a giant bloggy pitty party... Im really not. Its just the realization that I am... alone. And I need to be ok with it. And most days I am. But sometimes, in the corners of my heart and the closets of my brain I sometimes wish I could call someone and lament about the upcoming Homecoming dance.

But guys... as alone as I feel when I come home... my job is a special kind of amazing. 

I wake up at an unearthly inhuman hour and get ready for work. I rise before the sun as the old poets once mentioned. I have the rare and beautiful opportunity to go to a job that I absolutely love. I cannot even put into words the pure and unadulterated joy I feel when I take a step back and watch my students learn and grow. I teach High School and my kids are just beginning to see the world in a new "grown up" way I mentioned before. They really feel like they are starting to see who they want to become. I am constantly and daily surprised by their thoughts, opinions, and lives in general. People overuse the term awesome. They are describing the most menial and complacent moments as awe inspiring. But guys. My job is awesome. In every single sense of the word. 

So maybe I don't have a date for homecoming... 

But... 

I have 200 students that make each day a little bit harder, 

a little more frustrating... 

but a lot more enjoyable. 

A State of Zen

January 1st, 2012 I knew that year would suck. 

I remember saying, "forget 2012, I'm excited for 2013." 

Little did I know my New Years Resolution that year 

inadvertently became living for the future. 

I became the person who would say,

"when it stops snowing I'll be happy..."

"When Spring semester starts it will be easier..."

"During the 7 week break we'll be happier..."

"Fall semester will be better..." 

An entire year went by,

and I lived up to my resolution

that it would suck.

But it was my own fault. 

A self fulfilling prophesy,

 if you will. 

There were great things that happened, mind you. 

My best friend and I went to Seattle...

I graduated from College... 

I left Idaho forever... 

As I ended 2012, 

broken hearted,

wounded, 

and tired... 

I thought... 

"2013 should be different." 

I even went so far as to google 

self help techniques on being happy. 

And then one day it happened. 

I had a light bulb moment.

It hit me. 

Life is going to be full of challenges,

some days are going to suck,

some days are going to be full of surprises,

some days are going to blend with each other... 

How can I be happy?

How can any of us be happy?

------

I started 2013 moving to Las Vegas, Nevada. 

I have visited my best friend in Arizona

I have just about completed my student teaching...

I have gotten a job offer...

I have a new place to live... 

And what's great about everything?

I may not have enjoyed every moment of this year so far...

But I've lived it. 

I was in it. 

I wasn't looking toward the future,

I wasn't counting down.

Life is great, you guys. 

Even when its not. 

Things work out,

or they dont. 

You find the love of your life

or you get burned by the fire you thought was burning love.
(Johnny Cash reference, in case you missed it ;) )

Its only May, 

and I cannot wait for today. 

(I'm a poet, and I didn't even know it)

Heart Flutters

Ok you guys. 

I went on a blogging dryspell

But I'm back. 

Quick update, before I get to the point of my post.

I love Las Vegas. 

I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Idaho 

(I have deleted and retyped thoroughly, 

lets just say, 

I have fond memories)

But I was ready to move on. 

I have no sense of longing or regret for college life.

Whether or not I stay in Vegas 

is still up in the air. 

This year I decided to make decisions

based on how I felt at the time, 

or close to the time. 

As we all remember,

I had different plans for this year,

and then things got broken, 

like my heart. 

So I dont make plans anymore. 

Not super long term anyway. 

Alright. 

Heart Flutters. 

Last weekend I drove to Arizona 

for my good friends Wedding. 

I wasn't nervous, 

I know I'm healing 

so I didn't anticipate any 

unnecessary dark and twisty behavior.

Saturday was a beautiful day. 

I watched newly married couples 

walk out of the temple

filled with happiness 

unlike any I had seen

in quite some time.

This weird thing happened.

I almost didn't recognize it

I havent felt it in quite some time. 

My heart fluttered. 

Ya know,

that weird pain like 

but not painful

thing that your heart does. 

Sometimes it makes your throat close up

and tears form in your eyes. 

I watched young couples celebrate marriage. 

I saw my good friend and her now husband

dance and look at each other 

with love that I can only pray lasts longer

than a lifetime. 

As much as I doubt 

the longevity of love...

My heart fluttered. 

It took me only 5 days,

and my other good friend talk about her crush

to realize that...

Maybe my heart is fluttering,

because its healing. 

Its fixed? 

Lets not jump the gun though

I did almost have a bradley cooper moment

where a song came on

and I didn't quite enjoy it...

But guys. 

My heart fluttered. 

As We Go On.... We Remember....

I am graduating from College in 12 days. 

12 days.

A lot of people ask me if I am sad. 

A lot of people ask me if I am excited. 

I can tell you this. 

I arrived in Rexburg 962 days ago. 

I was literally shaking with anticipation

as I unlocked the door 

to my first apartment

at a University. 

I decided not to take a semester off.

Ever. 

I am completing a Bachelors program

in just under three years. 

I have experienced every season

plus seasons that I dont think 

even count as seasons. 

(6 weeks straight of -30 weather is just pure torture)

I have met some wonderful people. 

I have made friends

that are the friends 

that your parents have 

from college

that they still talk to. 

You call them aunt and uncle

even though there is no relation.  

Those are the kinds of friends I have made. 

I have fallen in love. 

The kind of love that I thought 

would lead to marriage. 

It didn't. 

It led to my first broken heart. 

I learned more than I ever thought. 

I passed classes that were harder 

than anything I've ever done. 

(History 325 with Dr. Peck) 

I have laughed a lot.

Cried a bit.

And experienced every range of emotion

worthy of an Oscar. 

I didn't find myself in college. 

I grew into the person

that I will be as a grown up. 

Am I excited to graduate?

Hell yes. 

Dreams

I am sad all the time. 

Whats even worse,

is that my ex-boyfriend

is haunting my dreams. 

I am not even able to find solace in sleep. 

We are back together in my dreams. 

But its not the same boyfriend I broke up with. 

Its him

but it isn't us. 

At least not the us at

 the end of our relationship.

It was us at the beginning. 

It was the us I fell in love with.

What I keep going over in my head,

both lucid

and dreaming

is how does someone fall out of love?

People always  compare falling in love

like falling off a cliff...

So is falling out of love

defying gravity? 

Are you climbing back up the cliff?

Did somewhere along the way

of falling in love,

did you land somewhere

and you realized it wasn't

with the person you were falling with?

Like those dreams

where you are falling

and you finally land. 

Maybe when you are falling in love

and its not the right person

we hit the ground before they do. 

Or we land in different places

Falling in love is a process

and when you land

there are no butterflies

or lust 

to keep the relationship going. 

So when you hit the ground,

if your not with the person,

if you dont have the same scars

and bruises, 

&

they are miles away from you,

you have to pick yourself up,

dust yourself off,

heal,

and find the next cliff. 

The problem I am having, 

is the cliff i jumped off with my ex,

Must have been higher for me.

I fell hard. 

And my scars are not healing well

and my bruises are still sore

and my heart is still broken. 

He doesn't seem to need any medical attention at all. 

I am broken hearted and lonely. 

But oh how the Lord works in wonderful and mysterious ways. 

Recently my heart broke.

I know I am not the first person to experience this,

nor the last. 

But it hurts. 

And lets leave it at that. 

It seems that when one bad thing happens,

a lot of bad things start happening. 

Like someone opened a gate, 

or a door,

or a box,

and one bad thing escaped,

and now more are getting out. 

And you try to close whatever has opened that let out all these terrible things,

but as the bad things come out

you get wounded 

so its harder to have the strength to close the dang thing 

that is housing these bad things. 

But here's what I've learned. 

Bad things happen. 

They are supposed to. 

Otherwise 

great things wouldn't be that great. 

Its what keeps balance in the Universe. 

BUT! 

and this is the exciting part. 

When bad things are pouring out of this contraption, 

and your trying to stop them from coming out,

but you get wounded and tired,

Angels come and help you try and close it. 

So, to all my Angels that have been surrounding me lately, 

both those who know me,
and those who have no idea what is going on...

Thank You. 

Isn't it ironic... Dont ya think?

What an interesting couple of weeks.

Phrases that have started coming out of my mouth that I cant stop...

"I'm ok."

"I'm just tired"

"I don't know"

What I find ironic, is that grown-ups 

always complain that 

kids think they know everything

about the world and themselves. 

What I find ironic, 

is that grown-ups 

dont know anything. 

At least I dont. 

Maybe kids do know everything,

because they haven't tasted the strongest emotion. 

They haven't experienced love.

So things are more cut and dry for them.

The world is round... 

Math is hard...

Recess is awesome... 

Throw in love,

and suddenly your not sure if the world is round.

Your not sure if math is really that hard, 

at least compared to telling someone goodbye when you really want to grab him..

Recess is no longer that awesome, when you have to see him.

There are things I know. 

I love teaching. 

I love reading. 

I love making people laugh. 

Things I don't know.

The answer to the question of 

"what do you want me to do?"

If my 6th graders are asking that

I can give them a straight answer. 

If a member of the opposite sex is asking me.

"I don't know." 

is usually what comes out of my mouth. 

Give me space. 

But I miss you. 

Let me think. 

Lets not overthink it. 

We should do whats best for both of us. 

We should do what feels right. 

I think Love is one big contradiction. 

And I cant figure it out. 

So I tell myself I'm ok being alone. 

But I'm lonely. 

The problem is. 

I'm lonely even when you're here. 

I tell myself I am better off. 

But I find myself thinking of you. 

I tell myself I can find someone who liked me as much as you did. 

But it took me this long to find you.. 

The soft touches,

the careless kisses,

the absent minded back rubs,

were taken for granted. 

They were a drug I have never tasted. 

And now I am going through withdrawals. 

Was I better off without ever tasting them? 

Or will I be more grateful next time?

Is it better to have loved and lost,

than to have never loved at all? 

Isn't it ironic?